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sad sad day for mommy….

My baby girl, Elyse, is already a month old today. How has that much time gone by already? It makes me incredibly sad that my little man will be 4 in september too. I’m so incredibly proud of how much he has grown and how smart he is…but damn…time needs to slow down. Being a mommy is amazing and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the whole world. But, how is it that something that fills your life with so much joy can make you feel so incredibly sad at the same time. Idk maybe its because I’m only a month postpartum but today is just not a good day for me. I feel so down about myself and my body….I’m actually doing amazing compared to when I had little man. I’m down 6 pounds from pre pregnancy weight, so better than before I got pregnant, but I just feel old. I feel disappointed in myself for not taking better care of myself while I was a bit younger. I know, I know, 25 (26 on the 25th) is not that old but damn if having another kid didn’t make me feel old, idk what will. My husband (love him to death, but really?) Decided to tell me the other day that he thinks that I let myself go for a while after I had my son. Hurt a lot even though I shrugged it off and kind of agreed with him. It was a rough time though. First time mom pretty much doing things on my own with his work schedule (rotating day and night shifts)with an incredibly colic pukey baby, we were fighting all the time about money and what we were going to do, we were on the edge of divorce a few times for christ’s sake. I was depressed as all hell. But, I shouldn’t have let myself go….damn that really hurt. Not that he loves me any less now but makes me feel like, okay so if I gain weight back is he going to not find me attractive anymore…..God I fucking hate being a woman sometimes….We had been doing so well lately until the last few days and then he goes and says shit like that….I waited until after he went to bed last night and bawled for about an hour, pathetic i know. Hoping this is all just hormonal bullshit that will go away in a couple weeks but who knows…..enough bitching for the day though. I hope you are all having a fantastic day!

Adventures in mommy land

Long night again…we got spoiled with our son who slept through the night by now…our dog chewed up a floaty and a diaper (a clean one) which must have somehow fallen out of the diaper bag. My son thinks he needs to be up at the crack of dawn when I’ve been up all night with little one. He comes into our bedroom and pulls the blanket off of me to wake me up in the morning now. I love him so much but man that is getting old fast. He used to come in in the morning and lay next to us and kiss us good morning and give us some time to wake up. I miss that. It’s hubby’s weekend to work so sitting here trying to decide if I want to venture out with two kids or just hang out and watch kids movies all weekend. My life is so exciting. Haha

Good morning-ish

You know, I always wanted one of those sweet Tumblr blogs. The ones that you check your Tumblr just to catch up on what they’re written that day. I always wanted it to be a place the vent and write out my thoughts. Yet, I rarely write anything. I start writing and always end up thinking to myself, “who’s going to want to read about how you were up all night with your newborn? Or how your 3 year old peed on the bathroom floor again because he waits too long to go.” I guess I’m feeling tired. Tired of how things have been going, seemingly never ending monotony. I’ve been trying to make changes in my life for me lately. First being a diet. (yeah fun I know) I haven’t ever been happy with my body so it’s about damn time. I’ll be 26 in two weeks for God’s sake…I’m not gunna get any younger. At some point I’m going to quit smoking too. Right now dealing with a newborn not sleeping all night and a three year old with jealousy issues, all while juggling household work and trying to squeeze in workouts and calorie counting, it’s not going to happen. Makes me feel like a horrible mom sometimes because I know even the miniscule amount that sticks to your clothes or in your hair is too much exposure for children. I gotta have something though, you know? Now that I’m rambling, I guess that’s going to be my newest change for me. I have decided whether anyone reads them or not, at least once a day, I will get on here and write something. Anything….even if it’s ranting about the overly tiring day I’m having as a stay at home. I must stop there for today though, duty calls, in the form of a three year old who broke his toy truck and has now yelled impatiently six times for me to fix it…..ugh….happy day everyone!

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